Top Ten Rules of MTBing

You’ve probably noticed that ‘top whatever it may be lists’ are all the rage these days. Just this week I read a list of the ‘50 Rules of Cycling’. Not road rules or legalities, but anecdotal rules like ‘look where you want to go, not at the obstacle’ and things like that. It made me think for a moment about what my own list would look like. Initial thoughts were that it’d resemble a derailleur moments after being sucked into a rotating rear wheel; a mess!

In any case, the thought stuck and I’m put it out there for you, my fellow riders, to view. It’s my list. It’s different to yours. It’s my self-indulgence because I get to write this piece (oh Ed, what were you thinking...), and I’ve no apology. It’s not an instructional ‘Cycling for Dummies’, nor is it a manifesto for the progression of the sport. It’s Xmas Pat’s first ever Top 10 List of Cycling Observations, Rules to Live By and Random Instructions (tm). 

1.         Believe in the karma of the ride: Surely cyclists should know that what goes around comes around? Jump on the road bike in a grumpy mood, and I guarantee that cars will drive at you like you’ve got a target on your back. On the trail the sharpest branches will poke you in the eye. Get on the bike with a good attitude and you’ll have a great ride, clean tricky lines, and the world will be right. 

2.         Peanut butter: Yes, peanut butter gets its own fifteen minutes. A wise New Zealander (oxymoron you say? I say you’re a moron!) once taught me that peanut butter goes with everything, and he was right. Sure, it might be more of a Jamie’s 15 Minute Meal than a Heston’s Feast, but give it a go. It’s sweet, it’s salty. It can be crunchy or smooth. It has enough fat for it to slide down every time, even if you’re standing on your head. You can buy it everywhere, it’s like your guardian angel on long rides. Peanut butter upgrade on a sausage roll? Yes indeed! Corn chips with peanut butter instead of salsa? Delicious.

3.         Keep your food simple: So you’re going on a long ride hey. Hungry you say. If I need to bring food, I bring simple food. Food is fuel. Don’t bring along a salad sambo that falls apart when you pull it out of your pack. Food you can grab and eat with one hand still on the bar is all you need—why interrupt the awesome ride. Dry bread rolls, banana, muesli bar, a sneakily stashed Maccas Apple Pie; this is the appropriate level of sophistication.

4.         We rarely buy stuff because it’s better: As a generalisation, bikes and parts are made by third parties. Your brand X thing is very possibly made in the same factory as my brand Y thing. Every year ‘new’ things come out that are better or different, or maybe they are better because they’re different. Be honest, deep down inside you know that whatever you bought last week hasn’t really made you faster, and it isn’t twice as good as the part that cost half as much. You just wanted it. Embrace this, you’re not alone. 

5.         Everyone is a rider: Don’t judge a book by its cover! The guy with full team kit lycra might look like a racer boy, until he flies past me on that double jump that I always baulk on. And the guy with the six-inch travel trail bike can very likely smoke me on that big climb. On a bike anything is possible, and we’re all just riders. 

6.         Hydration packs are for water only: I’ve never washed out a hydration pack bladder, ever, and I’m not planning on starting. Non-water goes in bottles and they should most definitely be washed. Not even peanut butter will go with chunky, fungus infused Endura. 

7.         It’s okay to ride a road bike: Yes, you will become a fitter and stronger rider. It took me ages to come to terms with my betrayal of the ‘holy trail’ but I’m now fine with it. I won’t tell if you don’t. 

8.         Don’t skid: Skidding is cool in videos, and when you’re in primary school. Dragging a rear wheel through a corner isn’t faster and does not impress me. It eats big ruts into corners and erodes the trail. There is rarely any reason to skid given how darn good the brakes and tyres are on modern mountain bikes, especially when combined with the enduring excellence of the human eyeball and brain in looking ahead at the trail. Drifting is a different story; it’s impressive and requires skillzzz. Drifting is cooler than your Lance Armstrong memorabilia collection. 

9.         Always carry a spare tube, but the pump is optional: I always remember to pack a tube, but consistently forget the pump. This harks back to point one, the karma of the ride. When you get to about as far from home as possible and then realise that you don’t have a pump, just think happy thoughts and tell the trail that you love it. Never fails. 

10.       Hills are the truth: Technical riding is awesome, and a fast descent is amazing, but climbing is the raw truth. Find a long, hard climb and ride it. Pick your pace, steady and somewhere a bit below I’m-gonna-blow. It won’t be long before your mind is absolutely clear, and solely focused on the task at hand. Pedal, breathe, move back and forth to keep traction or step-up a rock. This is where you discover what you have and what you can do with it. The truth. 

I hope you enjoyed my list! Riding is fun and there is always room for some silliness. Undoubtedly you have your own rules, theories and observations, so why not send them in and we’ll print the best ones!